Clarity in personal relationships is always better

Interview with a psychologist You should avoid these mistakes when you finish


A short message on WhatsApp, a quick phone call or simply disappear without giving an explanation at all. You definitely shouldn't do it that way - everyone agrees pretty much on that. But how do you break up fairly? Is it even possible to separate "properly"? We got professional tips.

Status: 11/22/2018 | archive

Everyone is most likely faced with this sooner or later: Either you will leave or you will leave your partner. Either way, it's always an ugly affair that leaves at least hurt feelings, in the worst case a broken heart. Sure, there is no perfect way to break up, but there are ways to keep the emotional damage as low as possible. We got tips from psychologist Lena Schiestel on how to part as fairly as possible.

PULS: Where is the best place to hold the separation interview?

Lena Schiestel: It would be ideal if you found a room from which both could walk in different directions and which is still discreet enough. It doesn't have to be an actual room. For example, a quiet place in the park would also be good. If it is too cold in winter, however, it is most likely to be broken up with the person at home. You can also easily leave there after the conversation. A lot of people think it's good to break up in a café, then the other person pulls himself together more. But that shouldn't be a requirement. That wouldn't be fair.

There are now many separations via WhatsApp or Skype. Is that in order? Or still applies: personal is better!

If you've only met once for coffee, then maybe a WhatsApp message is enough. But once you've had a relationship, a face-to-face conversation is better. There are very few exceptions. For example, if you've had a long-distance Skype relationship in Brazil for nine months and have absolutely no money for flight tickets. Before starting a new relationship without the other person knowing about it, it's better to break up via Skype.

What is the best way to start a separation interview?

It is best to start with a simple "We have to talk". It is also important not to wait too long in the conversation to get the language out. Otherwise you might lose your courage yourself. The moment you have made the decision that you want to break up and are also looking for a conversation, you shouldn't wait too long in the conversation before saying it.

What should you pay attention to during the conversation?

It is important that clarity is required. At one point you really have to say: "I want to break up" or "I don't want to continue the relationship". Ideally, you have already thought about what real reasons you can give so that the other person understands. The question "Why?" will definitely come and is justified. It is advisable to talk about yourself and your own feelings in the first place, instead of listing the wrongdoings the other has made. This usually leads to a discussion as to whether you have perceived it correctly. Or it leads to the fact that the other asserts in his despair and hurt that he will change. It is therefore important to speak of yourself and to say, for example, that the feelings are no longer there. There is nothing to be discussed about that.
Clarity doesn't mean you have to be rude or tough. You can clearly communicate that you don't want to continue the relationship and still express what you appreciated about the relationship. If you want, you can mourn the end of the relationship together. But you are not responsible for comforting the other in detail. This is also important in the further course.

How do you deal with each other afterwards?

An important aspect is that you yourself have had the idea of ​​breaking up, usually for a long time and have planned in advance what life will look like afterwards. Most of the time, the ex-partner is not at this point. Therefore, there is a possibility that more questions will arise in retrospect. It is due to be fair that one is ready to meet for another conversation. However, this should be limited to one or two conversations and not repeated too often. As a rule, it is better to keep your distance afterwards.

Is it possible to stay friends afterwards?

Yes. But it is important that both are honest with each other and with themselves. You have to ask yourself whether it is good for you that you are in contact with the other person or whether you then think more about the other person again. You have to ask yourself if you are getting too involved again and have too many other feelings.

Often, especially after long relationships, you have a common clique. How do I handle this?

In that case, the best thing to do would be to discuss who will let the others know and talk to them. If necessary, you can do this together. But here, too, it is usually good to give the ex-partner space. You can explain that to your friends and tell them that it has nothing to do with friendship. It will not always be possible to coordinate because the abandoned person is often injured. But as the one who broke up, you are in the stronger position, so to speak. So it's fair to take a step back first. It is a temporary measure. You can talk about it again later.

Broadcast: Filter on November 30, 2018, from 3 p.m.